Torment her.

“I’ve already told you: the only way to a woman’s heart is along the path of torment. I know none other as sure.”  Marquis de Sade

The Marquis de Sade is attributed with this quote sometime in the late 1700’s and in its essence, this quote is more true than most men will ever know. Even Manosphere members, who think they’ve swallowed the red pill fully, sometimes forget the importance of torment in their interactions with women. I’m talking about torment in every form, physical, mental and emotional. Women are creatures that crave torment and if the man they’re involved with doesn’t inflict torment on a regular basis and at they levels they want, that man will quickly find himself cheated on or dumped in short order.

Different women will crave different levels of torment, but they all do and it’s important to be able to gauge how far to take the torment you’re dishing out. Some women need more physical than mental for instance and some need more mental than physical; it’s the level of each that you need to figure and balance out for your interactions with her to be successful. Torment is extremely important especially if you see the girl as LTR material. Nothing else will bond her to you as well as torment.

Never admit however, that you’re tormenting her, just do it and don’t say a word. It’s also imperative to start the torment as soon as you meet her and she shows interest in you. What do I mean by torment I can hear you all asking? Just this, it’s actions that you take to make sure that her ego and body are in a constant state of questioning herself and the hamster is constantly trying to figure out how to get in your good graces.

Mental torment should start from your first interactions with her. When you first meet, find something that will bother her about her appearance or behavior that you know will hit home. But I’m not talking about a neg here. This is something that is intended to hurt; you deliver it in a completely deadpan manner and then continue the conversation as if what you noticed was completely obvious but no one else around her would dare say it to her. Never mention it again. She’ll be so stunned that it won’t come up in conversation again, but she’ll remember it and think about it for days. A little later in the conversation throw in a small compliment to balance out the bombing you just unleashed on her. As the relationship develops, continue these little attacks, remember, torment keeps her wanting to find ways to please you. And always come off as completely serious with your remarks as if what she does, looks like, the clothes she wears, how she acts and what she’s interested in aren’t quite up to your standards. If you make her cry, all the better, just don’t let her cry on your shoulder. Don’t forget to throw in the occasional compliment or nice gesture, torment all the time might chase her off. Well, maybe not, the results you get will determine the right balance. The hotter the girl, the better this works. I wouldn’t use this on sub-par girls though, suicides might result.

Physical torment should start the first time you bang her and should escalate from there. The first time you get her in the sack, spank that ass. There are very few girls who don’t enjoy this and there are very few guys who will spank her during the first fuck. During subsequent bangs, escalate, tie her up, choke her, pull out the old riding crop and use toys on her like nipple clamps. Continue to escalate as long as she’s enjoying it and see how far you can take it. You’d be surprised how far most women will go especially if you just do it and don’t discuss it with her. Don’t go so far as an assault charge of course, keep it cool and she’ll start asking you to do more and more. The physical torment doesn’t just apply to the bedroom however. Slap her ass in public. Pop her with a towel when she comes out of the shower. Pinch her on the leg when she walks past you in the living room. Don’t do these things all of the time but do it often enough that she is always wondering when the next one is coming. Do these things erratically and you’ll have a compliant gina-tingling woman who’s always ready for you. Or, you might end up with a complete submissive which is even better.

Emotional torment is the easiest to inflict but has the largest chance of backfiring. Use this sparingly, only when you think she’s getting too comfortable with the situation or she’s done something that’s displeased you. Disappear for a couple of days with no contact. Don’t be afraid to yell when she does something to anger you. Make sure she has no illusions that you’ll put up with any of her crap and punish her when she pushes that assumption. Don’t be afraid to call her a stupid cunt when she deserves it. I’m sure you can think of other things that would work.

Torment her…she’ll love you for it.

This winter is going to be interesting.


I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that this upcoming winter is going to be cold as shit, way colder than most have ever been exposed to. I have good reasons for this prediction, dating back to what many would consider anecdotal evidence but many times that type of evidence can give us an indication as to what’s to come.

Having traveled the world and for a majority of those travels being dependent on the weather being a determining factor on where I was able to fulfill my job duties, I’ve become extremely perceptive when it comes to weather trends. I’ve personally experienced extreme weather trends whether it was the largest ice storm in Texas history or ten feet of snow in Buffalo, New York. I’ve been there and done that. But what really convinced me that this winter is going to be cold as all get out is what happened last winter and was confirmed by what happened last night.

A little background, the house I live in on my little island is the house that my father left to me after he died. It’s a nice house for its age, but it has one unusual feature for this part of the country. The winter heat is provided by an oil furnace which is great as far as the electric bill goes but it’s getting increasingly difficult to find fuel oil vendors in this area. Luckily for me, I’ve got a vendor locked down but that doesn’t have much to do with my experience.

Before this past winter, I never had to buy more than 100 gallons of fuel oil to last me through the winter with enough to spare to last me through the first cold snaps of the next winter until I could get a delivery scheduled. Last winter was completely different, I had to schedule a second delivery of 100 gallons at the end of December and I’m probably going to have to schedule a delivery by the end of October, I’m so low.

Then last night, we set a record low for August temperatures. Mid sixties just doesn’t happen here in August no matter what year it is. I’ve never seen these low temperatures this time of year for my entire lifetime. Even though it’s in the eighties during the day, even that is cool for this time of year in northeast Florida.

It’s going to be an interesting winter this year and if you pay any attention to scientific weather journals especially sun activity logs it’s easy to see why these phenomena are occurring. The sun’s activity is slowing down for the foreseeable future.

It’s going to be interesting to see how the northern states are going to deal with this especially the New York corridor communities. I don’t think they have any idea what’s coming. The frozen north is going to take an entirely new meaning to them which I think they aren’t prepared for.

Well at least here in northeast Florida, I’m going to stockpile my fuel oil and I’ll be warm.

If the rest of you freeze, oh well.

Don’t vote.

“The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don’t have to waste your time voting.”   Charles Bukowski

In case you hadn’t noticed, this country is in the middle of a mid-term election cycle with elections in November with what the MSM breathlessly reporting that the republicrats might take over the Senate and keep their majority in the House. Campaigns are going full swing, volunteers are volunteering for candidates, attack ads are all over the TV and the MSM is jumping all over any gaff or misstatement that any candidate might make.

It’s all a colossal waste of time and money.

Because in the end, no matter who’s elected, nothing’s going to change. Everyone who gets involved in elections whether they volunteer for a candidates campaign, put a little sign out in front of their house or merely vote are thinking that they are making a difference. They think that they have some say in how this country is governed when the reality is the complete opposite. Elections are an illusion that the elites stage every so often so the common people think they can make a difference. The reality however is that individuals who believe in this system are voting for their own slavery. Or in the case of tax parasites, they are voting to keep their snouts in the trough.

“Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on the man, never what he is to do”  Will Rogers

That old quote by Will Rogers is the absolute truth. If you’ve voted in the past for someone, how many times did he or she vote to pass some legislation you were vehemently opposed to? I’d venture to guess it was most of the time. Why is it when someone is voted into office, they immediately start supporting policies that go directly against the will of the people who voted for them? I’d say it’s because what the voters want and what Leviathan want are at polar opposites of each other. And Leviathan is going to pursue its interests, the will of the people be damned. Why do you think the rush to build the all-seeing surveillance and police state? It’s because the people have been waking up to what’s going on albeit slower than I would like, so the state has to accelerate its preparations for control of the population. Did any of you vote for any of this? And if you’d been able to, would you have? Would you vote for the establishment of the Department of Homeland Security? NDAA? The big bank bailouts? QE to infinity? Having to take your shoes off at the airport and get groped or irradiated just to get on a plane? Or hell, the biggest one of all, having half your income or more confiscated in taxes? I thought not.

“Why do the people humiliate themselves by voting? I didn’t vote because I have dignity. If I had closed my nose and voted for one of them, I would spit on my own face.”   Oriana Fallaci

So, I don’t vote. I know there are those of you out there thinking “How can you change things if you don’t vote?” I’ve heard the old saying over and over, “You can’t change the system unless you are part of the system”. I think that statement doesn’t hold up logically. Think about it, at work you are part of a system. Unless you are at the very top of the hierarchy in that system can you change anything? Very little as a rule, you are subject to the workplace rules and policies that those at the very top impose upon you. It works the same with governments, Those at the very top make and impose the rules and there’s very little you can do about it. So I choose not to participate because voting is in essence:

Giving your individual consent to be governed.

You are giving your consent to be groped at an airport, to be picked up and indefinitely detained, have all your phone calls and online activities monitored, have your tax dollars given to the greedy banksters, have your hard earned money taken away from you at the point of a gun and on and on. You have VOLUNTEERED for all this mistreatment if you vote.

I refuse to volunteer for all this horrific degradation of myself and all the people around me. I try to limit my exposure to any governmental entity to as little as I can even though it impossible to eliminate it entirely. I take back my earlier statement that nothing is going to change after these upcoming elections. Things ARE going to change; they’re going to get worse, much worse.

So what can be done? Damn if I know. I know that there’s nothing I can do about what is going to result in more human suffering than any other time in history. I predict the 21st century is going to make the 20th century look like a picnic when it comes to mass killing by governments. 650 million people dead in the one hundred years of the 20th century; there’ll be way more than a billion in the 21st century if the trends continue like they appear to be heading.

So, you want to be involved and vote?

The blood will be partially on your hands.

Always flip the advice.

Rori Raye

I don’t know if you’ve heard of a woman named Rori Raye but it seems she has been making a pretty decent living over the past couple of years as a “Love & Relationship Expert” and coach for women. Her catchphrase is “Have the relationship you want”. She’s supposedly married and writes interminably about how good her marriage is, but there’s no evidence anywhere I can find that she’s even married or of her supposed husband.

The reason I’m writing about her is as a lark, I signed up for her email newsletter for shits and giggles about a year ago. Mostly I read the first paragraph and delete it because this woman is so delusional about what it takes to sustain a relationship that at first it was funny, then it got depressing and finally I came to the conclusion that this woman had a further reach than I realized and women all over were listening to completely erroneous advice and we all are doomed.

Then I got today’s newsletter. I read the first paragraph and it was so bizzaro that I had to keep reading. Here’s the first excerpt:

“Have you ever felt completely obsessed by a man woman?

Where you can’t eat, sleep, or look at a telephone without thinking about him her? Where you spend most of your time trying to figure out what went wrong or why he she hasn’t called, or why he’s she’s all of a sudden so distant?

I remember that feeling of dread in my stomach. Most of my clients have been through that – sometimes over and over again. Doesn’t it just make you feel like you’re back in high school?

Like your hormones seem to have complete control over your body and your mind and you’re just living off of the crumbs he she gives you? Or what you remember he she once gave you?

It doesn’t have to be like that. Just because we’re women men, because we’re sensitive, kind and caring doesn’t mean we have to give ourselves up to keep our men women.

In Fact, It’s Just The Opposite

We keep our men women always moving toward us by reducing their importance in our lives. Sounds easy, I know, but truly – there’s a way to make this change for yourself that’s not hard work or painful – it just takes a step-by-step approach, and you have to know the steps.” 

I did the strikethroughs and changed the the sex of the person she’s writing about and she is describing your typical blue pill man. Good grief if the rest of her newsletter was changed just like I did in the first paragraph, it would be valuable Red Pill advice for any man. I think I’ll do just that with the rest of what she wrote:

“I remember a man woman taking over so many of my thoughts that it seemed like he she was taking over my life, too. And I remember that happening over and over again, like a record I couldn’t turn off. It would be a different man, woman but the same record. I felt humiliated.

But I figured it out, and when I did, the record stopped and the men women who showed up were completely different than those men women I’d been so hung up on. That’s when my husband wife showed up, and I was able to fall in love with him her, let him her pursue me and WIN me, marry me – all without hearing those obsessive thoughts in my head.

And if I did it, I KNOW you can.”

Think about that last paragraph if you’re a man. This is exactly what most men don’t do because their thirst for love, sex and companionship completely overrides the real reason they’re alive, to build and sustain civilization. Genetic propagation is just a side effect,and a very real one. You’ll love this next paragraph:

“Even if you’ve never had a full-blown obsession with a man woman, where you can barely imagine living without him her and always live in fear of him her breaking up with you, have you ever run your schedule around him her?

Made your plans around him her? Watched what you said and didn’t say around him her? Wanted to make him her happy and make him her love you so much that you forgot how to just be yourself? Thought his her moods were your fault? Thought when he she withdrew that what you needed to do was be “nicer” and “more understanding?”

Well, the first thing to do that will work the fastest to reduce the importance of a man woman in your life (even if he’s she’s THE most important thing, I don’t want you to allow him her to become the ONLY important thing) is to stop doing all of the above.”

Flip the genders in that paragraph like I did with the strikeouts and it’s perfect advice for any man like us out there. You would think that this women has been reading our stuff and reincorporated it into advice for all the manjawed, past the wall women that she makes her money coaching. It gets better:

“That means:

  • No scheduling or making plans around him her.
  • No watching what you say and don’t say.
  • No trying to make him her happy or make him her love you.
  • No “nice” and no “understanding” when something he she does or doesn’t do makes YOU unhappy.”

Flip the sexes and that’s pure Red Pill for a man who wants his relationships with women to be as healthy as they can be in the SMV that we’re surrounded by these days. This last paragraph is classic and by flipping the genders written about we can see what a man should do regarding his life and how he should live it:

“I call this “Out the Window”:

  1. You look out a window and imagine what it is that you love (aside from him her)
  2. Imagine the love in your heart, all that energy and sweetness and passion, going out the window to that thing you love – it might be painting, or the beach, or giving to those less fortunate, or helping people in your special, unique way

These two steps sound easy, and they are. If you’re willing. (It is easy for a man.)

Because before you can make any kind of change, you have to want to. And it’s hard to want something you’ve never seen or done before (except with men women you don’t care about). It’s hard to believe, if you’ve never seen it work, that it WILL work. And yet, I’ve seen it work brilliantly in my own life, and in the lives of all my clients. (All women by the way and looking at her I’m not too optimistic that they’re too haaapy.)

It works. You won’t be the one woman man it doesn’t work for. No matter how unusual you believe you are, no matter how low your self-esteem, no matter how scattered your thoughts or how negative you feel right at this moment, it will work.

If you seem to have lost the passion in your relationship, and your man woman has started taking you for granted, there are certain things you can do that will fire him her up again and make him her remember the woman man he she fell in love with.”

This next excerpt really made an impression on me because it perfectly describes what a man should do on a date but she writes it as what a woman should do. Read this with the genders flipped and see if the man would be successful where as if the woman did this, I’d be checking out as soon as I could:

“As soon as you stop doing all the man-woman-pleasing behaviors you’ve been doing, you’ll see two things happen:

One, your man woman, or the man woman emailing you, or the man woman you’re meeting for a first date at a coffee shop, will sit up and notice that YOU’RE A VERY COOL GIRL MAN:

  • He’ll She’ll notice you’re cool, because you’ll probably be the first woman man he’s she’s met who doesn’t need to think about how HE’S SHE’S doing before she he thinks about how SHE’S HE’S doing!
  • He’ll She’ll notice that there’s absolutely no pressure in being with you.
  • He’ll She’ll notice that you trust yourself enough to be yourself instead of wondering and caring what he she thinks about you.
  • He’ll She’ll notice that you TRUST HIM HER enough to be yourself instead of wondering and caring what he she thinks about you.

And it’ll be such a relief, such a powerful, mysteriously sexy thing for him her to be with a woman man who puts herself himself first, he’ll she’ll be like a kid in a toy store, and you’re the best toy.

You’ll see his her energy come toward you in a different way than you’re used to. Instead of working hard to get his her interest, instead of working at being smart, clever, charming and appealing, you’ll be shocked to notice he she just thinks YOU ARE smart, clever, charming, appealing, and totally sexy.

You lean back, and he she leans forward. And that’s only step one.”

Classic Game for men. This past the wall women is trying to teach it to women which is in no way going to work. It’s almost like a blueprint for men once you change the sexes in what she wrote.

Well now we see what we are up against. This is just one more example of woman coaches, teachers or advice givers encouraging women to act like men in their dating lives. Shit like this just makes me want to run for the hills given what I’ve seen lately on my little island when it comes to completely undateable single women. Thing about it is, this type of advice is ubiquitous in every type of media that women surround themselves with.

Universe help us all.



I’ve tried to stay away from the social media and reporting by supposed journalists that surround the St. Louis County suburb of Ferguson, Missouri and what is happening presently and what has happened over the past five days. But as a uninterested observer, there is something that is being promoted that we all need to pay attention to.

There’s a confluence between the black rioters and the militarized police. If I didn’t know better, I would think this was all staged. Think about it, a neighborhood in St. Louis where this mostly doesn’t happen, the black residents are generally content due to them getting gov’t benefits, an unarmed black kid shot just weeks before he goes to college and a white policeman who still hasn’t been named. This is the perfect scenario for what the elites want to happen. The riots and looting were just icing on the cake which given the police inactivity on Sunday just made the narrative even better.

What’s the narrative? That blacks will riot even for the most minimal of reasons. The other narrative? That militarized police are needed to either contain or brutalize these same groups of people that protest against their brutalization. Either way, both groups, the blacks on one hand and the militarized police on the other promote the narrative that it is only the police that can protect us. Doesn’t really matter that the past four days of protest have been mostly peaceful and the looting was done by individuals that didn’t even live in Ferguson and the police stood by and let them do it, the narrative has to be protected at all costs.

Thus the confluence.

The cops get to justify their increased militarization and the black neighborhoods get even more handouts. Don’t wan’t riots every weekend do we? Plus, the cops get even more immunity for their murderous behavior not like they don’t have nearly complete immunity already. I’m not being apologetic for the black community, Lord knows they’ve got problems that I have no expertise to even address, but if I was a black man, I know that being a target would be a fact of life. That kind of shit will make anyone crazy.

I wonder if this would happen if this was a bunch of white kids protesting. Oh snap, we have a perfectly good example with the Occupy movements all over the country a couple of years ago. Militarized police brutalizing peaceful protesters.


I wonder what will happen when the redneck deer hunters that can harvest a deer at over 500 yards start stationing themselves on rooftops whenever something like this happens again which it will.

May you live in interesting times.

The cult of the minority.


Mitch’s note: This article was originally published back in June of 2012, given the recent stories in the media about what is happening around us, I thought I’d repost it.

I was reading an interesting article in the Tampa Bay Times this morning that cited statistics that named Florida as number two in the country for job discrimination claims against employers. More claims were filed in Florida than even in California or New York which have much larger populations:

“More Americans than ever filed job discrimination claims last year. But Florida workers outpaced most of the country, registering 8,088 private sector complaints of workplace discrimination, harassment, retaliation and the like with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.

That number made Florida No. 2 behind only Texas — and way ahead of larger California and New York — for the sheer number of EEOC complaints filed in 2011.”

They gave the reason that they thought Florida had so many claims filed:

“What made Florida such a workers’ hell for so many, just behind Texas? It’s no coincidence that both the Lone Star and Sunshine states boast minimal worker protection laws, with employers pretty much able to fire someone at will.”

Personally, I don’t think that’s the case at all. Look, we all know that minorities and women file the vast majority of discrimination lawsuits in this country. The only discrimination claim any man could file and not be laughed out of the courtroom is an age discrimination suit and those are pretty rare. No, what’s happening is women and minorities have come to the conclusion that if they get fired or laid off no matter the reason, they have a pretty good chance of winning at least a pretty sizable settlement if they sue. Just on the basis that in our politically correct society, the prevailing sentiment is that if a woman or minority got canned; the reason was sexism or racism. We have instituted a cult of the minority.

What is prevailing is a worldview in which racial/ethnic identity and gender is more important than any other factor in judging a person. They have to be a victim of bias because of their color or gender, regardless of whether there were legitimate reasons for their dismissal.

This method of viewing the world, solely through a prism of race, ethnicity and gender, has a serious, and one would assume, unintended side effect, no matter the intentions of those who employ it. It tells the world those colorblind and gender neutral practices that hold minorities and women to the same standards as others may simply not be good enough. If an employee, who is terminated by an employer for good reason, can extract a sizable monetary settlement, what are the prospects for a private employer who wants to terminate a minority or female employee when no bias is involved? A very public precedent has been set: If the merest assertion of bias is made, the expectations of reward will probably be there.

There are employers who will understand this and, when faced with a choice between hiring a non-minority or a minority or a male or a female, they may well think twice about hiring the minority or the female because of a fear that any decision to terminate or discipline the employee would be subject to allegations of racism or gender bias based solely on the employee’s minority or gender status.

When it comes to employment, the race/gender card is a trump card. The article mentions this:

“Wolfgang Florin, an attorney with Palm Harbor’s Florin Roebig, a law firm very active in defending employees in workplace matters, says he is not surprised to see an uptick in the number of EEOC filings with the downturn in the economy.

“Our state has a large population of both older workers and minorities, both groups obviously protected by the civil rights laws,” he says. The good news, Florin suggests, is that the large number of EEOC filings should decrease this year as people return to the workforce. The bad news, Florin says, is “the same discriminatory animus” seen so often in layoffs, termination and downsizing scenarios will now be present — and much harder to identify — in the hiring decisions around our state.

“The difference from a legal perspective is that it is much easier for employers to hide or mask discrimination in the hiring process than it is in the termination process,” he says.”

Black leaders and feminists who assert racism/sexism at the drop of a hat presume to be advancing the cause of minorities and women by being vigilant. In fact, they may be inadvertently adding to the discrimination in our country and doing their constituents a grave disservice. Personally, I feel they have it coming. After so many years of screaming “racism” or “sexism”, the tide has turned against them in a way they never saw coming. Employers aren’t stupid, they’re going to hire the person who’ll cost them less in the long haul and that just happens to be white males. Look for this trend to continue.

Unintended consequences are a bitch ain’t they?

Hilarious but achingly sad.

This video is on the verge of going viral. It’s of a guy who got stuck in Las Vegas McCarran airport overnight and used the opportunity to film a YouTube video with him lip-syncing to Celion Dion’s “All by Myself” which is a cover of an eighties band that was fronted by Eric Carmen. Here’s the video and pay close attention to the body language and symbolism that I don’t think he realizes he was communicating:

Pay close attention and you’ll soon realize that this is a man in pain. His sadness comes through loud and clear if you know what to look for. The sad thing is he probably doesn’t realize what this video represents. This is the fate of the common guy, you might be brilliant and be able to produce a video like this on the fly, but in the end, you’re still alone.

As we all are.

A pill to get your pussy wet.


I’ve been working on my house, going to the beach and enjoying the little social events that go on my island on a regular basis. Haven’t spent a lot of time on this blog but when I came home today I did something that I rarely do, I watched the network news. It was the same old same old, propaganda for the state but there was a commercial that caught my attention because it dovetailed with my experience over the past seven years. Here it is and if it’s something you’ve experienced you know why I’m posting it:

If you’re my age, you know that no matter how hot the girl you bring home and how horny she is, if she’s over 35 you better have a bottle of lube in your bedside table. Not making any judgments here, lube generally leads to anal, but in my experience, any woman over the age of 35 these days doesn’t self lubricate no matter how horny you make her.

So, now there’s a pill for that.

We should have seen this coming, there’s no way that every man that a woman over 35 would like to fuck would have a bottle of lube in his bedside table even though if you get laid regularly you should. That’s just me.

I’ve seen this more than I would have ever figured. I call it “Dry Snatch Syndrome” or DSS. It’s widespread more than you might think. I figure I’ve spent more than 100 dollars over the past seven years on lube just because my demographic for lays are the 35 and up group women. There’s nothing quite like it these days and I think I know why it is so pervasive.

Fertility equals lubricity. When I was younger and even when I married my 23 year old ex-wife, having sex meant washing the sheets the next morning. I used to call it, “getting hosed down”. Now, most of the girls I date, need external lubrication no matter how horny they are or how much they want to please me. And, a lot of the time, they have their own bottles of lube next to their beds.

So now there’s a pill for that. There’s not a pill to cure the reasons for DSS.

And we all know those reasons.

Theme parks are genius.

cheetah_hunt header

Anyone who follows me on this site or on Twitter (By the way it’s @UnkaMitch) knows by now that I’m a roller coaster fanatic. The newer and more cutting edge the better. This past weekend gave me the opportunity to do something I’ve really needed to do; try to repair the relationships with my daughters and go and ride multiple times one of the most enjoyable coasters I’ve had the pleasure to ride in a long time. That my daughters liked it better than I did went a long way.

A bit of background; my last girlfriend hated my daughters and they her. I should have known better, but it went on far longer than I should have allowed. No excuses, but when I met her it was just the beginning of my AWALT education. Luckily, I was able to extricate myself before too much damage was done. Now it’s time to get my daughters back and this past weekend went a long way towards that.

But that’s not what this article is about. I have a question for everyone out there. Do you go to theme parks any or at all? The reason I ask this is when my daughters were riding something I didn’t want to do like get soaked on a log plume or ride this huge ass wooden coaster that beats the hell out of me and gives me a headache, I’d send them on their way, buy a beer, park myself under a mister because it was hot as hell and watch the people walking by, especially the women.

Now there’s huge differences between theme parks and the differences are worldwide. There’s two essential types, ones where the little tykes can ride most anything in the park with a couple of rides that won’t bore the parents to death and the parks that specialize in thrill rides, ergo roller coasters. The clientele between the two couldn’t be more pronouncedly different especially when it comes to the amount of fatties that go to each type. I live in Florida where Disney rules. Go there and all you’ll see is pasty fat parents and their pasty fat kids. In Tampa however, at Busch Gardens, they concentrate on the highest and the best roller coasters in the state. Go there and you’ll see so many in shape people of all ages from tweens to octagenarions, all to get their adrenaline fix. Now that’s not to say that you don’t see some land whales but by and large they’re fat parents sitting on benches while their teenage kids run all over the park enjoying themselves with their siblings and friends. Sitting under that mister for an hour drinking beer while my daughters were riding Gwanzi three times (the wooden coaster I don’t much care for) I was rewarded by many delectable sights because when it’s hot everyone goes for the misters when it’s 100% humidity as well. But there’s a reason the two different types of parks are so different and it’s something that they will never admit to but it’s so obvious that even my kids hate the Disney/Universal/MGM parks. And this is true throughout the country and even worldwide if my experiences in Europe are any indication.

There’s a reason Disney/Universal/MGM is so successful and the reason is this:

Any fatass can fit in their rides seats

You could be a thousand pounds and still be able to enjoy It’s a Small World at Disney World if you could get yourself into the boat and if you couldn’t the staff would do anything short of a forklift to make sure they didn’t get a complaint.

Try fitting your 5’6″ 250 pound ass in this seat at Busch Gardens. That’s a four year old kid who wasn’t tall enough to ride the ride because he would probably fallen out given the acceleration and g-forces on most of the coasters there. He cried. You could be 6’7″ and fit in this seat if you were height weight proportional. If you’re round, no way in hell. In parks all over the world, I’ve seen people get kicked off of rides because the safety bars and buckles couldn’t be secured. Most of the time, the people waiting in line laugh at them.

cheetah hunt seats

Considering that the population is getting to near a universal 50% or more obesity rate, it doesn’t surprise me that the Orlando parks are so full. But when you go to a thrill/coaster park like Busch Gardens it’s a completely different story. That’s on purpose for a coaster driven park, fatties upset the balance of these rides and given that they dance on the edge of accelerational physics they have to make sure that the structures that make the rides so enjoyable for what used to be normal people aren’t ruined by the hordes of fatties. The lines are so manageable that it enables you to ride all of the best rides multiple times. Which my daughters and I did for ten hours. And the absence of the kind of people you find in Orlando parks is one of the reasons I enjoy parks like Busch Gardens in both Tampa and Williamsburg, Virginia, Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, all of the parks I visited in Europe and others like Six Flags which hasn’t done so well over the years. Big roller coasters means a minimum of Wal-Mart people, they know they can’t fit in the seats and adrenaline scares the hell out of them so they stay away. Another reason for this is it’s damned expensive to enjoy these parks, so much of the population is excluded for entirely financial reasons.

So, if you happen to be on vacation and go to a theme park, go to the most popular ride first and see how big the seats are. If your fat mother-in-law/whatever can fit in it, go straight back to the ticket desk and ask for a refund. Or, if you want the best parks to spend your money and want to watch some of the best ass you’ve ever seen walk around, contact me, I’ve been to pretty much all of them. If you’re a young twenty-something with Game, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

You’re welcome and enjoy your summer.